First Friday Book Synopsis

Flattery will get you everywhere.
Mae West

Ass-kissing is both an art and a science. No one gets to the top without learning how to deal with people you can’t stand. And usually the best way to deal with them is to pretend you can stand them. If it makes it easier for you, don’t think of it as ass-kissing. Think of it as charm. Anytime someone says to you, “That guy sure was charming,” what he’s really saying is “That guy kissed my ass. I liked it. Therefore I like him.”
James Carville and Paul Begala, Buck Up, Suck Up… and Come Back When You Foul Up (12 Winning Secrets from the War Room)

This story is a constant reminder to us of the power of a very simple principle of human performance:  people like to be recognized for doing their best.  Encouragement increases the chance that people will actually achieve higher levels of performance.
James M. Kouzes and Barry Z. Pozner, Encouraging the Heart:  A Leaders Guide to Rewarding and Encouraging Others

One of the best ways to make those in power feel better about themselves is to flatter them.  Flattery engages the norm of reciprocity – if you compliment someone, that person owes you something in return…
Jeffrey Pfeffer:  Power:  Why Some People Have it – and Others Don’t

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So, I’m deep into my reading of Power by Jeffrey Pfeffer.  I keep thinking about a section on flattery.  He is clear – flattery has a much better chance of getting you ahead than most anything else, (like confrontation, criticism…).  This is a theme that I’ve seen from a number of authors.  The Carville and Begala book (don’t let your politics, or theirs, put you off – this is an immensely practical, and smart book) put it right there in the title:  “Suck Up.”

Why does flattery work?  Well, think about the last time you were criticized, slammed, shamed, “dissed,” rejected, ridiculed…  How did you feel?  My guess is, not too good.  So it is with all others, including those “over” you.  Aim for flattery – tell others how good they are at what they do, tell others what value they bring — praise them!

In the Pfeffer book, he records the advice given by Jack Valenti to President Lyndon Baines Johnson (whom he served as an aide):

“What I am suggesting is that the President fasten down support for his cause by resorting to an unchanging human emotion – the need to feel wanted and admired.”

And then Pfeffer describes how Valenti himself lived out the practice of “flattering the other,” always, to everyone!

As a reader of many business books, I get confused at times.  There are books that talk about those crucial conversations that we occasionally need to have, those fierce conversations, that boldly confront the serious issues at hand.  Yet Pfeffer warns us that these conversations may really backfire.  In fact, he counsels not to criticize/correct your boss (get someone else to do it!).

In other words, a slight, an “attack,” a criticism, may never be forgotten, and may do serious long-term damage.  On the other hand, flattery might just get you… everywhere!

“Honored and not diminished.  That’s how we all want to feel.” This is the simple formula to remember (found in Encouraging the Heart).

So, learn to use flattery.  Even when you don’t want to.  Remember Carville & Begala’s advice:

Ass-kissing is both an art and a science. No one gets to the top without learning how to deal with people you can’t stand. And usually the best way to deal with them is to pretend you can stand them. If it makes it easier for you, don’t think of it as ass-kissing. Think of it as charm. Anytime someone says to you, “That guy sure was charming,” what he’s really saying is “That guy kissed my ass. I liked it. Therefore I like him.”